i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
