he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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