Christians are straight up FREAKS
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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