I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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