Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
