I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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