I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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