I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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