I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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