hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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