Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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