did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
