just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
