A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Operation Purity has been aborted
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
