I wish I could teleport
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
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