i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
