I just threw up on my dentist
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Randomize