any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
