i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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