I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
