I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
