Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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