Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
