He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
