I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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