my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize