I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
