woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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