i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
