You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
