either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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