I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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