I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
