Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
