Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
