I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
