my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
