i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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