Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
