I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The Olympian is in my bed
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
