btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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