just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
