I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
