After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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