I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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