how can u be prego again
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
