I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize