standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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