Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
