Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
