matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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