Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
