If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
