Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize
