in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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