Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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