we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
