Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
