Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
