in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
